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Missing…

I’ve been back at work for a little over 2 weeks now. It has really been hard transitioning back to work. 

I’ve heard that some moms feel guilty returning to work, but that isn’t how I’d describe what I’ve been feeling. I know I need to work for us to make it financially, and I’m okay with that. The thing is – I miss being at home with the babe. I just plain old miss it. Can you describe a feeling as missing? I think yes.

 I miss morning snuggles and little cat naps.

 I miss all the stretching, yawning, oohs & aahs.

I miss seeing his busy little hands moving around, and his tiny toes waving around.

I miss watching him watch the world around him.

I have it a lot easier than some moms. My mom takes care of the babe in our home, so we don’t have to worry about daycare. I only have a 15 minute commute, and I get to go home during lunch to nurse the babe. I am so thankful for those blessings, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The missing is still there.

It is so hard to leave in the morning and again at lunch. All I want to do is stay and play with my boy. He’s  learning so much, so fast, and I wish I was there enjoying it all. I know that is an impossible wish, and I’m going to miss things along the way. It stinks.

Every step of the way, I’m telling myself that the choices I am making are ultimately going to help our family. I think you have to keep telling yourself that or it would be too easy to get down about missing everything.

Every time I have to pump, I know it is to feed my baby. Every time I get to nurse, I cherish that moment to bond and nourish his soul.

Every time I step out the door to come to work, I know it is for the purpose of taking care of our family. Every time I step in the door, I relish the sanctuary of our home, and I am thankful for all the precious time I am able to be there.

Some days it is definitely harder than others to stop and appreciate all that I have. I try to do the best I can, and sometimes all it takes is one look at my sweet baby’s face to realize I need to stop & breathe — especially when that sweet baby is looking up at his sweet daddy. That face keeps me going for days.

I love them both so much, and the hardest part of being a working mom (for me) is feeling like I don’t have the time to take them the way that I want to take care of them.

I know everything happens for  a reason, and right now, the best way I can take care of my family is to go to work.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard sometimes.

And oh, the missing….I wish I didn’t have to feel the missing…. 

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Thirsty Thursday

I started back to work today which means I’m pumping twice a day now. I’m lucky enough to be able to come home at lunch and nurse the babe, so I just have to pump once in the morning and once in the afternoon.

So far it has been going well. I was really worried on Monday morning because I woke up with a sore breast. I’ve just been over my bout of mastitis for a few weeks, so I was nervous that I was starting down that path again.

Luckily all the massaging, pumping (while I’m at work), and feeding (while I’m at home) seem to be working.

I am so ready for the weekend though. Nursing the babe is hands down better than pumping.

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Thirsty Thursday :: A little help from my friends…

Breastfeeding definitely has its ups and downs. Even if things start out great, you are bound to hit a bump in the road at some point.

It is nice to have Google on your side, but there is something to be said for being able to sit down with real, live humans and hash out your problems or get questions answered. I would highly recommend looking for groups in your town that are focused on breastfeeding or at least have moms that are breastfeeding.

The La Leche League is a good resource. I know in our area the LLL ladies meet up a couple of times a month to discuss a topic and/or answer any questions mamas have.

I also found a “crunchy” group of moms in town on Meetup. Even though they don’t get together specifically to discuss breastfeeding, it is nice to be around other moms that breastfeed, wear their babies, cloth diaper, etc.

When I started looking for groups, I was happy to find out that one of the lactation consultants in town has a breastfeeding support group that meets each month. You might check with lactation consultants in your area to see if they offer anything like that. Those meetings have been so helpful for me, and it has been fun to see all the different aged babies and how the breastfeeding relationship between mom & baby progresses. It also gives me an opportunity to weigh the babe in between doctor appointments. I believe they do weight checks at La Leche meetings as well, so that is something to consider when deciding whether or not you want to go to those meetings.

Lastly, I would recommend talking to any locally-owned baby stores you might have around town, especially if they are more “crunchy” minded. They might know of groups that meet around town or have some helpful information as well.

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A Granu-what?!

I thought my insides were falling out this week. Seriously.

Note: You may want to stop reading now if TMI is not your thing.

I was pretty positive that I had some kind of prolapse going on down there. Sometime last week I had a little bleeding and sensitivity in my nether regions. They didn’t look quite right either. At first I thought something was going wrong with my episiotomy scar, and then I thought that maybe I had somehow gotten an infection and things were just a little swollen and irritated.

Anyway, I’m 11 weeks postpartum, so of course I Googled to see what the hell might be happening. Which, as we all know, is not such a smart thing to do when your in a sensitive (and by sensitive, I mean crazy-paranoid-postpartum) state.

What did I find?

Prolapse, of course.

I proceeded to look at myself about a bazillion times trying to determine whether or not it was prolapse, what might be prolapsed, how bad it was, etc. I spent the weekend freaked out. Nobody wants their insides falling out, am-I-right?

First thing yesterday morning, I called to set up a doctor’s appointment. Then, I freaked out some more.

I really don’t want anything happening around my lady parts these days, and I especially don’t want anyone poking or prodding on them. The constant fretting and worrying about it continued until I got to my appointment today.

Luckily, I really like my doctor. Even though she’s had to do some hella-painful things to me with this whole baby thing, I still trust her.

Well, she took a peak at my lady parts and immediately told me it was a granuloma. No biggie. Basically, while my body was healing from the episiotomy, it decided to go into overdrive and produce a bunch of extra cells at the scar site. She said she could treat it with silver nitrate, and that would hopefully, take care of it.

I had read somewhere about how much silver nitrate stings, but she said that most patients don’t notice it because granulomas don’t have nerve endings.

Ha.

I felt it.

When she was spreading it around in there, she hit the bottom part of the granuloma which apparently had torn a tiny bit (thus, the bleeding last week), and WOW. HOLY SHIT. THAT EFFING STUNG.

After she was done, she put some lidocaine gel around the whole area to numb it & stop the stinging, and sent me on my merry way.

It has been 3 hours, and the lidocaine has worn off. It is definitely uncomfortable, and I’m hoping that goes away soon. VERY SOON.

I am so glad my insides aren’t falling out, but getting granulomas burnt off in your lady parts is no walk on the beach.